A CHILD ON THE EDGE (Dear Mama, do not bekezela for me)

Too many words rushing to my fingers,

vivid memories rushing to my baby conscious mind,

re-living every feeling and every emotion,

pictures so clear, tell me the time is not now,

closing my mind to shut it all out,

sadly that increases the vividness,

the lesions open,

blood gushes out,

my heart throbs,

pain closes down on me,

tears running down my cheeks,

why do I torture myself?

I see you laying there, still, motionless,

knocking at the doors of death,

your time is not now they said,

I can't picture the colour of your clothes,

but I remember RED,

blood oozing out, repainting it all.

Why? tell me why does it have to be this way?

my little mind so confused,

getting numb with every step close to you,

I cant recognise your face,

underneath your black swollen eyes, u saw me,

I CRIED

then you smiled,

a smile you pulled out of pain to comfort me,

it made my heart sink in pain,

the soft whisper u tried to let out,

reassuring me it will be okay, broke me.

Why, tell me why does it have to be this way?

I don't wanna imagine how u were feeling.

I don't wanna imagine wat was going through your mind.

Vivid pictures of your shivering hand trying to touch me,

Ironically, trying to pull me close to you to comfort me,

It was you who needed comfort,

It had to be me comforting you.

Too selfless were you, you always put me first,

Too sad a picture to recall,

The words you whispered came too strong for me.

I replay them again and again,

Oddly you didn’t tell me how much pain you were in,

Oddly you didn’t tell me that things would be okay,

In all the blood, swollen and buttered face,

You pulled a smile and said HELLO CHILD,

That HELLO CHILD spoke volumes.

I couldn’t stand your pain,

I couldn’t watch from afar,

Too strong a person you were to go through it all alone.

Your greeting was like a call of help,

Help that I could not offer,

I remember feeling helpless,

Warm tears streaming down my cheeks,

I so yearned to be there for you,

So little was I, only my heart can feel it all,

I so yearned to stand up for you,

So little was I ,only my heart can feel it all,

I so yearned to fight for you,

So little was I, only my heart can feel it all,

Just the memories of it all breaks my little heart,

Over and over again.