Reasons why it is not easy leaving an abusive partner

Gendered power inequality rooted in patriarchy is the primary driver of Gender-Based Violence and I am going to focus on that in this blog. We are coming from generations that believed that women were born to be wives and nothing more. Women were groomed to be that and there was no greater achievement for women than that of getting married and staying in that marriage. Divorce was a taboo; it was regarded as a shameful act. Divorcing would bring shame and embarrassment to the whole family. Women were taught to persevere. We are also coming from generations and generations of patriarchy. Husbands were regarded as supreme authority and their say was final, they held primary power and would predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege, and control of the property. Wives did not own anything per se and getting married meant they could not walk out of a marriage and decide to return to their birth family, after lobola was paid, they belonged to the husband. This meant that even if a husband was abusive, his wife did not have an option but stay, if she attempted to leave, her efforts would be futile because her family members would drag her back to her matrimonial home to avoid the shame and embarrassment that came with that.

Although we are evolving, a lot of people have not yet fully let go of such kind of mentality. The wives in this generation are the grandchildren of women who still believe in persevering in marriage in spite of the abuse. They were raised by their grandmothers and they do not want to disappoint them by exiting abusive marriages. They grew up watching their mother being abused and yet they never left, they are accustomed to violence in marriages. It is somewhat expected and leaving one’s marriage because of abuse is considered weak.

Although we are evolving, due to the fact that men were regarded as the supreme authority, this has been dragged into some of today’s marital homes, women still feel powerless. Because women are taught to be submissive, they are unfortunately controlled by their abusive partners in the name of submission. In some instances, women are told by their husbands to stop working- told to stop pursuing their careers. They are told to focus on raising children and to take care of their homes. In some cases, this takes away the wife’s power to make decisions especially when she wants to exit the abusive marriage. It places the wife in a vulnerable position especially in situations where the husband turns out to be abusive. The wife will not have the funds to sustain herself once she leaves the abuser. The abused wife will be financially dependent on her abusive husband. In turn, because she feels trapped and powerless, and because she cannot see a way out, she commits herself to “work on being better” in an attempt to fix her marriage and “impress” the abuser hoping he will stop abusing her. She will blame herself for her husband’s actions, because her husband keeps blaming her for his behavior and because society blames women for failed marriages. Unfortunately, this is psychologically damaging to abused women. They are broken to an extent that makes it impossible for them to leave.

Lastly, although we are evolving, we are evolving at a very slow rate hence the increase in the number of women who are being abused especially by their intimate partners. It is devastating to note that some women do no even acknowledge that they are being abused, they actually believe that it is the norm. Population-based surveys show very high levels of Intimate Partner Violence as the most common form of violence against women. Whilst people of all genders perpetrate and experience intimate partner and or sexual violence, men are most often the perpetrators and women and children the victims. More than half of all the women murdered (56%) in 2009 were killed by an intimate male partner. Between 25% and 40% of South African women have experienced sexual and/or physical Intimate Partner Violence in their lifetime. Just under 50% of women report having ever experienced emotional or economic abuse at the hands of their intimate partners in their lifetime. Prevalence estimates of rape in South Africa range between 12% and 28% of women ever reporting being raped in their lifetime. Between 28 and 37% of adult men report having raped a woman. (Stats in this paragraph were extracted from Gender-based violence in South Africa – Understand – SaferSpaces)

More than ever, it is of great essence that we raise awareness regarding Gender-Based-Violence and it is of paramount importance to have Organizations such as House of Amani that are keen on offering sustainable life skills to survivors of GBV to better their livelihoods. If more women are aware that they do have a way out and that they have ample support centers they will exit abusive relationships and marriages without the fear of getting stranded and having no option but to return to the same abusive partners or homes out of desperation.

Written by Belinda R Matore